i'm making things up again, kind of

I made kind of an enormous life decision recently. I made the choice to quit my job at Target with nothing else lined up.

My choice was not made lightly, however. For months, years, maybe, I was unhappy with my job. I felt like I was being forced to live a life I didn't want and which kept me away from the people and activities that make me happy (including my loving wife). I've been told by so many well-meaning people that working at a job you hate for most of your life so you can retire when you're 65+ is really the only option. That we are destined to toil away until we're too old to remember who we are. [note: That's not a jab at old people. If you have been reading my blog, you'll know that over the course of 6ish years, I completely forgot who I was... and I'm currently 27. It happens to most of us, unfortunately]

From a young age I resented this line of thinking. But there were always people who I looked up to steer me back in the direction of safe and secure financial planning. "Why?," I wondered. "Why can't I take the time to figure out who I am, and then spend my WHOLE life doing something that I love and that enriches my entire existence?" I asked and asked and asked, but never got an answer. And so I stayed put. Without another equally valid plan lined up, I couldn't make the jump into a new way of living.

The end of October was my 5-year anniversary at Target. While I was working that day, one of my bosses came up to me.
"Nick, your anniversary gift-thing is on my desk."
"Oh. Ok."
"I just wanted to let you know. Don't forget to grab it before you leave."
::SIGH::
After my shift I went to pick it up. I found, among papers on this dude's desk, a fancy multi-layer card from Target HQ that was in pieces. It had been taken apart so all the "executives" at my store could sign it. But no one bothered putting it back together or even back in the envelope. Looking through it, I found my gift: a $25 Target gift card. 

$25. FIVE YEARS of service to them was worth $5/year. That was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.

In early November I told my immediate boss that I planned to quit after Black Friday. I gave her such advance notice so we could plan my replacement, so my quitting would be seamless and wouldn't leave anyone feeling upset. She wasn't happy, but she was glad that I trusted her enough to tell her, and that we had over a month to figure everything out. I asked her to keep it a secret because I feared retaliation from some people working there. I'd seen it happen to other team leaders and I wanted to avoid it.

I publicly gave my 2-week notice on November 22, via email (because it was a Saturday and no one was around). One of my bosses was honestly sad to hear the news. Another said, "This sucks," and didn't speak to me until two weeks later. I could really feel the love. [/s]

Fast-forward to December 6, my last day. No one had even started planning my replacement. As I feared, as soon as I put in my notice, I was treated like a deserter who shouldn't be trusted. No one would include me in their planning even as I did my best job until the end.

People have been asking me if my bosses threw me a party or wrote me a card. Um, no. I only got a goodbye from one of my bosses (the one who seemed actually sad). I didn't even see anyone else. They all have my phone number, but I haven't heard from anyone. It's just confirmation that I wasn't valued... even a little. Not even enough to say "goodbye."

So, I went home and tore up all my work clothes--I literally tore them, in pieces, off my body. It was very cathartic. Later, friends and family came over, and we ate all the food ever, and drank all the vodka ever. It was perfect.

Now, exactly three weeks later, I feel amazing. There is minimal stress, and I've had so much time! I have read, like, five books. I enrolled in the Morris Pratt Institute, a correspondence course through the National Spiritualist Association of Churches, and have completed and mailed the first two lessons. I've become much more active at my church. I've talked to my friends, and my family. I had a stress-free Christmas, even! Most exciting--I think, anyway--is that I've finally begun to discover more about who I am and what I'm all about. As many of you know, I started selling Young Living Essential Oils a few months ago, and I have fallen in love, all over again, with oils. I'm SO thrilled to tell you all that I've started mixing my own blends! Right now I'm just offering aromatherapy sprays, but I hope to expand to actual bottles of oil, bath salts, candles, and more! I've added a new tab at the top of the page, but here's a little short cut: Click here to read more about my essential oil products! Oh, and I've lost 6 lbs.

While I still don't have a solid grasp on what my post-Target life is going to look like, I really love it so far, and it still feels right. The Universe has my total trust. I know that as I discover more of me, opportunities will appear to complement my new life, and to lead me in the best possible direction.

Trust, as it turns out, is worth working for. Without it, it's almost impossible to truly love yourself. In whatever way works for you, just trust that things are happening the way they are supposed to happen. Every shitty experience is a lesson to be learned, and when you start learning them, you can move past them.

But how do you start to trust? Well, I just jumped. I didn't have any proof that I wouldn't fall on my face, but, even if I did, who cares? I'll just get up and start over. I figured I had nothing else to lose, so I jumped.

This isn't for the faint of heart, but it's effective. When you find that your face isn't actually in the dirt, you've no other choice but to trust.

So here's to 2015! A year of new opportunities and passions and learning and love! I wish and pray and hope that all of us can become more authentic to who we really are. I hope you know that you have my full support.

I love you. 

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